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shujouteki_07 in cw10mhy1

..mY pOsT..

yokai.. so here's my post.. sorry i just posted it now.. my internet connection is pretty messed up so.. well.. you get my point.. this is kinda a long poem (kinda? what am i saying?! of course it's long!!!).. i confess.. "sinipag ako" because i didnt have anything else to do for the past {insert random number here} hours.. so there.. and sorry if it's not really THAT good.. this is kinda impromptu (2 hours? with the occasionally placed writer's block) coz the piece that i was working on for the past week was nothing more than crap.. honestly.. anyways.. intro's getting too long.. so here it is:

p.s. this poem isn't about angst or anything.. i just had nothing better to write about.. so there..

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+[ hopes in a jar ]+

i stored all my hopes
sealed in an air-tight glass jar
for fear of all of them
into several shimmering shards
like silvery specks of glitter
blown by an anonymous breath
hither and thither
over an overstretched
coal-black mantle
reflecting and refracting light
as though it were nothing more
than a mere child's plaything
an assortment of stones
all backbreaking
to weigh and to measure
each cut
precisely in the perfect angles
every piece
a breathtaking diamond
in its own right
silent ambitions
of life, love, and friendship
a hodge-podge of dreams:
one contrived
the other complacent
yet another constrained
as the others collide
and the others combine
all kept
inside the jar

so i put each
and all my dreams in the jar
believing whole-heartedly
that it would be enough
to protect them
to preserve them
for all eternity
or something just as long
but as the clocks turned their faces
i noticed
my dreams steadily getting darker
losing their shimmer and shine
for death
to swallow them whole
and as i watched
all my hopes drop
d e a d
like flies
watching till the faintest flares
glowed and vanished
glowed and vanished
glowed and vanished
a disturbing monotony
an insanity-inducing pattern
hearing the tiny and frail
screams of agony
from within the jar
and, not being able to bear
the infernal torment
of having to watch my dreams
slowly fall apart,
i picked up the bottle
and with the remaining strength
that i could possibly muster
heaved it
towards a dull gray cement wall
smashing it
till kingdom come
and as the smithereens
fell plickity-plack
on the bleach-stained tile floor
the room was engulfed
with a bedazzling light
as the newly resurrected pieces
drifted out
out of the dusty grilled windows
out into the wide open world
out into it's outstretched arms






I like your poem..

I like the way you describe every minute emotions and details..

Because of it, I somehow made a connection with the poem.
i can relate to the poem :)
normally, I’d think of something evil to say. But I’ll be nice for like the next n minutes, since, well, I liked this poem. something using very simple images and words but conveys an interesting insight. Too bad you already told me what it meant before I read it. oh, how I hate the spoiler.

anyway, some stuff I liked in particular..

blown by an anonymous breath
hither and thither
over an overstretched
coal-black mantle

shows just how fragile the persona perceives his dreams to be. The use of a coal-black mantle, something that connotes a desolate unforgiving environment creates a powerful image against shattering shards. Shards that would’ve been small against the darkness. Cool…

the second stanza. Action-packed and insightful. Read your work if you don’t believe me.

I would’ve argued that you shouldn’t have used something as abstract as dreams, and blatantly say so. I would’ve said something along the lines of using a natural image like actual glass pieces or moths dying in a jar. But actually, I won’t say that now (I already did… but oh well, just thought you should know). The image of a dream is far from concrete, but it’s an idea that already forms its own image itself, something very surreal and blurred in the head of the reader, but from the poem this image is concretized into whatever the poem wants the reader to see. Get it? fine, if you don’t get it ask me personally. Anyway, the images formed are vivid. Nice job:)

October 2007

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