?

Log in

arjeanclaude in cw10mhy1

I am very sorry guys...

WHEN SHE CRIES

(Inspired by a song)

 

 

When she cries, at a secluded hallway,

She’s only with her knees bent in distress

No one else, even the sun, cracks the tears she laid

Until a smoke, visits to halt her agony for a wink

 

 

When she cries, she bears all the seas, exhausted

My fond look seem not to lighten it up a bit,

Mind and heart fused to be a stream of sympathy

That liberates delight in exchange of sorrow

 

 

When she cries, her gloomy hymn invokes a quake

One step forward, two steps backward I take

Bit by bit, the bop floor crumples up, and I lose my tune

I stop and ask,” Will I wait the song until it ends?”

 

 

When she cries, she tries to veil behind her teardrops

I got closer, and I got my heart stapled with hers

I got the same wounds and bruises, but it faded hastily

And I knew the hill, the hill where she obtained it all

 

 

When she cries, and her hazel eyes magnifies

She cuddles me; I became her pillow in the sunshine

Where she could make a drought on the seas she bears

Only in her anxiety, I can borrow her warmth that I feel

 

 

When she cries, I will give her my handkerchief

The fabric that could crack up the tears she laid

And those chicks would feed on her pain and wounds

And these would lay the exhilaration she ought to reap

 

 

And I beseech, this minute yet persistent wish

That someday my hill could be the one she would yearn for to climb

A flat but a verdant hill that someday would be found
Because I become frail speck by speck, when she cries.



I am very sorry guys if I only posted today. I encountered some technical difficulties with my e-mail address and  my old livejounal accounts. I should have been the third one who had posted. I am really really sorry for the delay...


Finished: July 31, 2007, 11:07 pm

 

Hey guys I'm back, and here's another, I wrote this after I heard the song 'when she cries' by restless heart(right?). The song was too great for me that I came to the point I played it 51 times (+1 right now,hehe) and I even flooded my textmates with nonsense GM's(at least may nagtetext sau, joke). Medyo nadissapoint ako nung nalaman kong si Wendy daw ang dahilan kaya sumikat yung kanta, hehe, joke lang. Hope you enjoyed reading this, and I will be open to your comments, I will not be a Willie R., hehe, peace... Godbless Ciao!

Comments

Ok, a poem inspired by a song. I will admit that I am slightly biased, because I don’t like wendy, and when I hear this song, I can’t help but associate it with her. Now, SHOVING that aside…

I like how you describe your sentiments by using powerful images like the sea, the quake, the hill… really big images that show how great these feelings are. I do suggest that you not stuff so many big images without giving your reader the time to linger in them. when you put an image like the “bear[ing] all the seas”, the reader kinda lingers in it. so when you put out another big, rather unconnected symbol, like a hill, without a preluding introduction to smoothen the transition, the reader gets drowned in a flood of symbols. Oh, and if it isn’t so necessary, you don’t have to say she cries at the beginning of every line. That’s pretty clear to the reader.

ahem.. here goes the "random-osity"..Ü

ohh..

hello again person-whose-identity-i-do-not-know-(wink-wink)..Ü

well..

about your comment about the repetition of the phrase "when she cries"..

i think it's definitely there for a reason..

read the poem yet again..

note that when you hear yourself reading the lines at the beginning of every stanza there seems to be an effect to it (even though i cant seem to pinpoint the exact effect that it emits, i am SURE that it's there..Ü)..

also note that when reading the reiterating phrase, ESPECIALLY with it being placed at the beginning of each stanza, you can (sort of) feel the gravity of the poem getting stronger as you progress through each stanza..

ahh well..

i dunno about you guys ha.. but that's just how i see this poem.. i feel that the repetitions are there as a style.. you know.. to add color to the literary piece..

but then again.. how credible can a mere weird almost-madman's statement be? *whispers* i see things normal people do not see.. i see.. reality.. *goes back to usual speaking voice* ooh! that's a nice thing to make as a poem! "i see things normal people do not see.. i see.. reality.. ooh!!! i am so psyched! i wanna use this! hahaha! i got dibs on that line!!Ü

<3...

Thank you so much for your comments. I think you're right, using words that are quite different like hill and sea is unappropriate...Thanks a lot...

October 2007

S M T W T F S
 123456
78910111213
14151617181920
21222324252627
28293031   
Powered by LiveJournal.com